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Sep. 22nd, 2004 | 10:15 pm
mood: frustrated
music: Sum 41 - We're All to Blame

So the crevasse I'm in crumbles a little more and I'm in deeper, with less of a chance to get out.

Oh man, I forgot to mention, yesterday, by way of the Incubus forum, I got a hold of the new beheading video. I don't know why, but I was really curious to watch it, so I did. And nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. The blunt knife that they used like a saw... the screams of the man that turned to incomprehensible wheezes as they sawed off his vocal cords... the fact that he didn't die until the last flap of skin came off. And, how they placed the head on top of his torso after the task was completed. I was in tears from strain at the end of the video. And I felt like I was going to puke.

Onward to today... well, I got a ride from Heather to school since I couldn't drive my car. On the way home Charles drove me, and I took his phone to download ringtones. And I happened to go into his text message inbox... and I found tons of messages, all from the same person: Piang. Things written included: "I love you too" and "Honey, I'm home!". So, I came to a conclusion on several things. He obviously has a new girlfriend. She might be from Malaysia, which raises the possibility that he could have been cheating on me over the summer. The fact that he said, "I realized the difference between thinking I'm in love and actually being in love" when breaking up with me backs up with this. I don't know, I was really down after that. Skating didn't really help, going to church did no help, with everyone making fun with me, but you know what helped? Brycie. We went on a walk when I got home and I told him everything. When I said her name (Piang) he thought I said "Pangaea", so we decided that would be her nickname, since we have nicknames for everyone. Saturn, You-Know-Who, He-Who-the-Chickens-Fear, Collect, Lucky... When we got back to my house, we were just playing around with my skateboard. And somehow we decided we should name a trick after Pangaea, so we said that me turning 180 on my skateboard, then completing it to a 360 would be a Pangaea. But, after the Pangaea is performed, I must do that hand motions and Bryce must say "Pangaea" in is scary manly voice. But I've decided to confront Charles about it tomorrow. I'm not going to be mean about it. I'm just going to ask. Cause, honestly, even is he did cheat, I can't be mad. It's in the past, it's over. I just want to know the truth. Then I can get over it. Well, I told Andrew this, but truthfully, I don't like him anymore, and I'm pretty much over him. But I can't like anyone else. And I'm definitely not ready for another relationship. I just need to be alone, and be more happy with myself. Not ready to give some of myself to someone else.

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